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ID cards... The Future

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Dubya - T

Joined: 27 Aug 2002
Posts: 559
Location: Floatin' down the greasy grass river

PostPosted: Sun Jul 24, 2005 22:00    Post subject: ID cards... The Future Reply with quote

This is stolen wholesale form another website forum. If the guy that posted it wrote it... he should be writing for comedy sketch shows!

Anyway, taking no credit whatsoever for the following:

[Scene: The Post Office. When: The not-too-distant future...]

How Tenji: Hello, I'd like to renew my car tax.
Post Office: Certainly sir. Would you like to speed things up by using your new identity card?
HT: Why yes, that would seem to be a jolly fine idea.
PO: Let me just rub it on my jumper and swipe it... Mr. Tenji... Is this the tax on the clapped-out Astra?
HT: Yes.
PO: Bit of trouble with the MOT this year I see. Jesus that wasn't cheap! Still, at least the speeding points come off your licence in August — that's something to look forward to. ****** hell, that Magistrate really hammered you didn't he? Probably took exception to that membership of the Young Communists back in your student days. Six months or twelve?
HT: I was only in the party for four months...
PO: Not according to this. Actually, I meant the car tax.
HT: Oh right. Twelve.
PO: How would you like to pay?
HT: Barclayard.
PO: No, you're up to your limit on that, what about the Capital One Card?
HT: I don't have one.
PO: Says here you do... oh hang on... no the bloke using that is in Glasgow at the moment buying DVD players. He's run up quite a bill for you there mate. Try the Switch card.
HT: Here you go.
PO: No, something wrong here, won't let me complete the transaction. Let's have a look... ah... yes... your TV licence has expired. Are you going to pay that too?
HT: Well, I thought I would leave it till next month.
PO: On your head be it. Do you want some Euros while we're at it? Two weeks in Marbella, eh, you lucky devil. I see you're flying BA. Good choice.
HT: Er, yes I'll do that now. Give me 500 in mixed notes.
PO: It'll have to be 200 I'm afraid. The car tax has taken a bite out of your funds and your monthly ID card purchase fee direct debit is due out of the account tomorrow. Right, there you go. Have a nice day sir.

Tesco checkout

How Tenji: Hello, can you sell me a one-month travel insurance policy?
Tesco: Yes sir, let me have your ID card... Thanks. Do you have any current health problems?
HT: No, nothing.
Tesco: You sure, sir?
HT: Yes, why?
Tesco: Well it says here you were at the doctor's last week.
HT: Oh, that was nothing serious.
Tesco: Let me just... Oh yes, touch of the old Farmer Giles... No that wont be a problem. Probably sitting on cheap charter flight seats that's to blame. I see you're going British Airways this time around, though. Very wise. Oops, pressed the wrong button. [Picture of How Tenji's hideously empiled anus appears on every plasma screen in the shop, accompanied by name, address, telephone number and email address].
Old lady in queue: Oooh they look sore dear. Have you tried Anusol?
Tesco: I see your car had a bit of a struggle with the MOT. Garage not keen on Communists?
HT: Can we just do the travel insurance, and these frozen peas?
Tesco: Peas? Shall I just check that don't have a genetic predisposition to pea allergy? It'll only take a minute to scan your genome... I understand. You're in a bit of a hurry. Very good sir. Next please.

At the Bank

How Tenji: Hello, I’d like to open a deposit account please.
Bank Clerk: Can I see your ID?
HT: Do I have to?
BC: Yes. It will speed things up and prevent identity theft while ensuring that only those entitled to state benefits receive them. And it will prevent all forms of terrorism, everywhere, for ever.
HT: Yes of course. Here you go...
BC: Right… Mr Tenji… How may I help? Would you like a cushion?
HT: Sorry?
BC: Oh, I just thought... the frozen peas helped then?
HT: Can we just do the bank account?
BC: Of course sir. Right, you already have a current account with us but your holiday funds pretty well put paid to that until payday. Hmmm... Oh dear this Capital One Account is all over the place and your Barclaycard is at the limit. I see you've opted to pay the television licence a month late and your car is on its last legs. You don't look like a very good risk to me, sir.
HT: Hang on. The Capital One Card is nothing to do with me. That's some bloke buying DVD players in Glasgow.
BC: You seem to know an awful lot about him, sir.
HT: But it's not me, the chap in the Post Office told me...
BC: Lets look at the biometrics... Yes you're right, it's not you...
HT: Thank goodness for the ID card eh?
BC: Indeed sir, and just as soon as you get the Capital One Card paid off we will be glad to welcome you as a customer.
HT: But it wasn't me!
BC: No, but you seem to have known all about it since 09.43 this morning and haven't bothered to notify your card issuer.
HT: Every ****** else seems to know about it; why didn't Capital One do something?
BC: Steady sir, there is the civil liberties angle. We can't just go round invading an individual's privacy willy-nilly you know. Oh crikey, I see you've taken out travel insurance. It doesn't appear to cover you for misuse of your Capital One card. Would you like a quote for that?

Home, sweet home
[Doorbell rings]

Travelling salesman: Mr Tenji? I am the local distributor for Anusol and...
TV licence enforcement: [Arriving behind the salesman] Mr Tenji, I'm James Doherty of the TV licencing authority. Here's my ID card.
Instant credit salesman: [Arriving behind TV licence enforcement] Our records show that you're a bit strapped for cash at the moment. If you'd just sign here I can offer you £5,000 right now at just 1,375,893 monthly repayments of £11.37.
Anti Terrorist Squad: [Arriving behind instant credit salesman] Can we have a word Mr Tenji? We gather that you lied this morning to a Post Office operative about the period of time you spent in 1992 as a member of the Young Communist party. I have to caution you that under section 12 of the...
Travelling Salesman: [Snatching card] Hold on, I was here first. You'll all get a chance to swipe... Oh yes, Mr Tenji, those are clearing up nicely. Now, do you want me to give you something for that pea allergy?
We would like to announce that due to cutbacks the light at the end of the tunnel has been switched off.....
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