Technically this is too private...

[Setareh Juventina]

...but nobody's on-line, nobody answers their phone and you people don't know me well enough so I might as well.

I was in a relationship in 2001, a relationship I literally told no one about, it was a secret, I had a strange secretive phase where I'd keep things from people, not only things about me. Well, that relationship ended after a bit over two months and it wasn't that serious, it never felt serious and it sort of just died out.

Now, this year, I've met someone, considered myself very much in love and don't know where it'll lead but it feels serious.
However, today when I phone him up to see how he is (he has a stressful time with tests coming up and his brother's wife has just miscarried the same month as the baby was going to be born), and upon hello I heard two very heavy sighs. Something I would never do to anyone (and I later called and told him that it was a hurtful thing to do).
And when I get home he has left me messages about needing to be by himself hoping I can 'accept this'.

When I asked if it meant 'no contact' at all he says no, he just doesn't know if he can meet up. Calls and stuff are fine, but it's always on my initiative. I can already feel myself reaching a point where I won't keep in touch because I'll get enough of it all. Which I hardly think benefits a relationship.

Aside from this I'm most times the one keeping in touch, sometimes it feels like if I didn't we would never meet. As you are all varied and different people, does this mean he cares less about me than I care about him?
When we meet things are fine, so that's okay. But it's things like this...it should be said that he is going through a rough period in his life and I've never really known him during a time when he hasn't had problems, so maybe his normal self is not like this.

What also frustrates me to a certain degree is how he from a very early stage kept pointing to the fact that he was a 'bad boyfriend' and it always sounds as if he says it in a 'this is the way I am, I will not attempt any improvements' manner. As if he has already given up.

Anyhoo, please don't reply jokingly the way you can do in some other posts, this is a serious post, if you feel that you cannot say anything, don't say anything at all instead of starting to make jokes about carrots or trees or whatever irrelevant matter. I just want opinions and maybe suggestions.

Do I worry too much or not?

I wish I didn't feel so much love because then I'd go back to the easy life of singlehood. Nothing sucked energy out of me this way, and I didn't have a dominant thought in my mind the way I have now...maybe I got used to the easy sweet life.

Love & Peace
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Man is the only animal clever enough to build The Empire State Building and stupid enough to jump from it.

[Guest]

I know exactly what you mean. To be honest, I don't think he really gives a toss, cos if he did, he'd be the one phoning you and asking you to meet up. Instead, you're the one doing all the running. It sounds like he isn't putting an effort into your relationship, so what's the point in being with someone who, basicallly, couldn't give a shit whether or not your relationship progresses, and doesn't ever think about calling you or thinking about how you might feel while he is going through this "bad stage" in his life. Everyone has "bad stages" and everyone has to deal with them like an adult, not to use it as an excuse to end a relationship.

I know exactly how you feel cos I'm also in the same kinda relationship with someone I've known for almost 4yrs now. We never really talk, well, I try to make an effort but he doesn't seem to want to know, and he texts me the odd time (like once a week). But it was me that had to make the first move. Ain't that the fella's job, (to do most, if not all of the running)?

This has really helped me realise what I have to do, so thank you Setareh Juventina. I hope I helped a little. Let me know what you think.

xx

[boo_babe]

By the way, that post was from me. Thought I was logged in, but apparently not.

xx
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Boo Babe

[Setareh Juventina]

Hehe...well I'm glad I've helped you.

Maybe I'm making excuses but he is going through at least four severe things in his life (I don't want to get into those like this because they ARE private but it includes mental illness, death in family etc) so I kind of feel I would like to see how he is in a 'normal' situation to judge.
I think for now I'll just tone it down and let it be, I won't end it but I won't bother that much to keep it going either, not call etc.

My friend's boyfriend is studying something very similiar (both in engineering) and she said when he's going through his testperiods he's the same and even asks her not to call...so I don't know.

In all fairness, I don't think it's anyone's job to 'do the running', it's both parties that have to give, that is what an equal relationship is all about.

Love & Peace

P.S. All of this is quite sudden as well, only Saturday it was all lovey dovey. Though I am the one mostly keeping in touch, he has, before these tests came up, kept in touch as well, just not as frequently (we are different as people I suppose). And yesterday he did ask me if I wanted to go to a concert tonight, if he went.
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Man is the only animal clever enough to build The Empire State Building and stupid enough to jump from it.

[guest]

Try reading this book;

He's Just Not That Into You: The no Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys.

By Greg Behrendt , Liz Tuccillo.

[Setareh Juventina]

It sounds very American...American self help books, I'm unsure.

I think I'm sticking to the strategy of not getting in touch and see what happens. I mean, afterall, this is the same person that ended a relationship just to be with me, I can't start making assumptions that quickly, especially as his life is upside down.

Love & Peace
_________________
Man is the only animal clever enough to build The Empire State Building and stupid enough to jump from it.

[Guest]

[Setareh Juventina]

Hoho...I just mean the cultures are very different so I'm not sure it'll be applicable to my life.

Besides, I was desperate at the time, no one was on or answering their phone (or they're the kind that sleep early and I didn't have the guts to call).

Love & Peace
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Man is the only animal clever enough to build The Empire State Building and stupid enough to jump from it.

[Guest]

poor set. relationships are confusing at the best of times. the problem is that people have different ideas of what their ideal relationship should be like. he seems a fairly sensitive person. maybe the only thing you can try to do is be understanding and accept his terms of the relationship? otherwise, you shouldn't feel bad about being unable to give 100% attention to him, but only when he wants it. he's being quite selfish, even if he is under stress. when you're in love, you need your partner there to help you through times like that. at least, that's my belief.
i think that, if you love him, you should wait and see what happens. you said it was quite sudden, so it's probably just a phase he's going through, or a mood swing. but if it's something more serious, then he'll probably need your love and support.

i'm sorry if that wasn't helpful at all.
*hugs seterah*

[Setareh Juventina]

*hugs*

Note to those not into private discussions, read no further.

Today I called him for something else (there was this thing at my job and he had asked me to let him know how it went) and then I told him that I wouldn't keep in touch and he was the one leading the boat now, I said it to point out that I wasn't ignoring him but I can't carry all burdons.

Few hours later he called to say hello etc. Maybe he needed to be reminded that you have nurture relationships, that I'm not some heartless superman able to fix everything and never get upset. I don't know.

When I am upset I also have the need to be with people I care about, but he doesn't seem to be that way really, his spirits do not rise just because he meets someone he cares about...generally...he still needs hugs etc but it doesn't change his spirit (I can call a friend and suddenly feel miles better).

Anyway, about relationships, I've noticed this on several men that first they pay you a lot of attention, get in touch a lot, are super sweet...and then after a while they tone it down...where as women don't in the same way. It doesn't bother me greatly but I think it's a shame.

Love & Peace
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Man is the only animal clever enough to build The Empire State Building and stupid enough to jump from it.